Your Wife Is Not a Porn Star
The reality is that every person goes into marriage with expectations, and sex generally has the most ideas, anticipations and fantasies for what may be. The problem is that what we may have seen, read or heard about before marriage is not realistic. The cold hard fact is that most everyone has seen some sort of pornographic image prior to marriage, whether it was willingly or not. Even sex scenes in PG13 movies can feel like “soft porn” which tickles the fantasies of young girls and boys for what sex might be like. For those who have participated in a substantial amount of porn watching, they have probably seen a very skewed reality from what sex is supposed to look like.
I recently shared with a newly married friend that much of what we have heard is not realistic. Magazines like to claim that there are hundreds of sex positions, but majority of them are only possible if both spouses are contortionists and acrobats. Others simply do not feel enjoyable. But the problem with porn is that the stars in these films are paid actors who are told to make certain faces and sell a fake fantasy. Think of advertisements. We often see ads on TV that claim that a product is going to change your life and when we buy into it, it ultimately disappoints. That is what pornography is to marital sex. Pornography sells itself as better than average sex, but these are fake, contrived lies. The truth is God has given you your spouse who is better than any porn star ever could be!
This is the point where people often say, “well, my spouse and I do not connect the same sexually, and actually, the sex is very disappointing.” That is because you are nurturing your own desires rather than gracefully encouraging your spouse by focusing on their desires and thus fostering more of their confidence!!! True love is not self-seeking (1 Corinthians 13:5). True love generously gives itself in humility and is not mastered by prideful motives. We at NAME often say: love gives, but lust takes. The viewing of pornography changes a mindset during sex from one of genuine love to one of self-serving lust.
It is so important that we choose to not let images or stories seep into our ideas for how sex is supposed to be. That is the world’s version, but God’s version is so much better. Satan is out to divide by means of convincing you that your wife (or husband) cannot measure up to the standards of what you have seen. Satan is the master liar. He lied when he told you that your unrealistic expectations could be possible if it weren’t for your spouse. Your wife (or husband) is not a porn star, and thank the Lord! Because blessed sex is the best sex, and sex that is blessed is not achieved by objectifying one another or by prideful domination of each other.
Pray that God wipes the slate of old expectations and ideas clean. Pray that He removes selfish desires in your heart and teaches you how to “be in the moment.” Pray that God might bless your sex and you might know what great, real, Christian sex can be. Pray that you might experience spiritual unity during your physical intimacy, and thus, experience what God intended.
Attention: if you are currently mired in a habit of pornography, stop immediately. Your spouse cannot live up to the staged and fake productions that you are allowing to shape your expectations. You are satisfying your own desires whilst breaking the spiritual intimacy that occurs during sex with your spouse. If you are in need of counsel and help, please contact your local NAME counseling center. We want to help you break free of the bondage of pornographic addiction.